The ‘what if’ Hour

Everyone talks about the ‘witching hour,’ that time (which is usually two hours – by the way) during which babies get fussy and can’t be calmed down. While I didn’t expect how truly helpless I would feel during W’s ‘witching hour’ when he was a brand-new baby, what I wish someone would have told me about was the ‘what if’ hour. For me, the ‘what if’ hour typically strikes at 2:30am. I spring awake in bed, check the monitor, now that W is in his own room, and my mind starts its usual loop of worries.

What if he isn’t breathing?

What if I’m not a good enough mother?

What if he could sense how hard it was for me in the beginning?

What if he doesn’t know how much I love him?

What if I fall asleep and don’t hear him crying?

What if he wakes up scared and needs me?

What if I don’t remember how to do my job when I go back to work?

What if William forgets who I am when I’m back at work and he’s in daycare?

What if he isn’t gaining enough weight?

What if

What if

What if